How to be Free of Shame and Guilt with Masturbation

ShoomKloom Editorial Staff

When I was 8 years old, my mom and dad walked into my room, while I was rubbing myself on a pillow. I had no idea that there I did something ‘wrong’ – that it was shameful and not to be done. But I immediately knew it in that moment. I saw it in their eyes and body movements before they even spoke the words: ‘What are you doing? That‘s just simply not done! Stop doing that!’

Pleasure, Orgasm and Laughter

Have you noticed that when having an orgasm (on your own or together):

  • The mind stops?
  • You just cannot think anything (even if you try)?
  • You lose control and let yourself go?
  • Afterwards or at the ending you are experiencing a peace you always wanted?

By the way, check out for yourself the same happens when you are laughing (real laughter only!).


Scientific Facts about Orgasms and the Effects of Masturbation on Your Health

While masturbating, your body is following the same sexual response cycle as if you are having sex with a partner.

You are entering a stress free environment, boosting your immune system, making your skin glow, calming your nerves and even protecting yourself from a heart attack  – just to name a few. Happiness and cuddling hormones are released.

The brain region which is responsible for reason and behavioral control is shut down. The brain of a person during orgasm looks almost identical to the one of a person taking heroin (95%).

In short, your body and your brain are getting it all – first being stimulated to the fullest extent and then to the utmost relaxed.

The famous sex researcher Dr. Alfred Kinsey once said that an orgasm “can be likened to the crescendo, climax, and sudden stillness achieved by an orchestra of human emotions … an explosion of tensions, and to sneezing“.


On that day I ‘learned’ that I was not to experience pleasure with my own body without feeling guilty and ashamed. If it caused such a strong reaction, in both, mom and dad, then seriously something had to be wrong with it and I had better watch out. Even though we never talked about what happened again – it seemed to be present in my life ever since.

How Shame and Guilt are Driving us and in turn Depriving us from Pleasure and Love

If you are familiar with one or more of the following statements you belong to the vast majority of mankind:

  • Masturbation is not being (or not to be) talked about
  • Masturbation is only mentioned in combination with shame and guilt
  • Masturbation is something dirty
  • You must be very lonely if you have to masturbate
  • Masturbation is a sin
  • Only ‘primitive’ people (animals) masturbate
  • Masturbation is bad for you 
  • Masturbation can make you sick (psychological and physical)
  • If you masturbate a lot (such as 5 times a day) you are abnormal

The church and even doctors are still claiming that masturbation is harmful for your mental, physical and spiritual well being. In truth, what is harmful are exactly these statements and us allowing them to have power over us, our lives and our sexuality.

Only when and if you follow these/your ideas about your masturbation being bad or harmful – then stress appears in your mind and body. The act of masturbation becomes sour. The flow stops as shame and guilt are taking over.

You are cutting your pleasure short and with that your life energy.

‘You are crippling yourself by adjusting to fake morals and ideas.’

The positive health effects are now outweighed by your higher anxiety levels caused by your thoughts and worries.

Since my childhood, when I rubbed my pussy against the rope in physical education class, I have masturbated in all kinds of situations and places (besides my room). In toilets, on the plane under the blanket, in a bar up on the balcony seat. Sometimes it just came over me and since I am a bit devious as well, there was also this kinda thrill – masturbating in ‘forbidden’ places.

Often, I masturbated to just get rid of stress, anxiety and my high level of energy (at times up to 5 times a day). I was always able to come very quickly. And for that moment of relief it was always great. A short pleasure which vanished almost immediately after my orgasm.

Seconds later I felt ashamed, guilty and most of all – sad and lonely. Many times I cried and felt a sudden coldness. In my mind – as I had learned early – this was not right and something I was not supposed to be doing. I was a weirdo, abnormal, always being so sexual and aroused.

And also after an orgasm I always felt very lonely: ‘I should have sex and orgasm with my partner. Am I such a lost soul having to do it to myself.

The Truth about Masturbation

There are (and have been) so many lies and false statements about masturbation floating around that I decided to write this blog for all of you who are ready to free themselves from being slaves to masturbation dogmas of any kind – religious or non-religious.

There is nothing (at all) wrong with you if you masturbate (a lot) . To be able to enjoy the immense pleasure you can give to yourself is a blessing. It is your birthright.

It is absolutely normal and natural as a little girl or boy to discover one’s body including the genitals. It is also absolutely natural for us to play with them, with our bodies and enjoy the pleasurable feelings.

Why wouldn’t we?

It feels wonderful, ecstatic, blissful. The world stops turning for a moment and all comes to a stand still. In this intense pleasure and orgasm there is no worry in the world.

We are sexual beings. We are created in the sexual act. We love pleasure, and pleasuring oneself can be one of the most sacred acts.


5 Steps I Took with ShoomKloom to Overcome Shame and Guilt in Masturbation

Step #1: Masturbating without giving my thoughts power

While thoughts connected with

  •      Shame: “I should not touch myself. I will go to hell.”
  •      Judgments: “It should be my partner touching me.”
  •      Guilt: “I am just too horny – it doesn‘t stop.”
  •      Analyzing: “I masturbate the second time today because yesterday I didn‘t.”
  •      Comparison: “This orgasm is much less intense than yesterday (or the one I saw in the porn).”

are coming up during pleasuring myself, I see them just for what they are – thoughts. I do not follow them, keep them, give them fuel. And with that they simply do not stick around. Instead I keep enjoying the pleasure sensations.

Note: If you are thinking right now: “Great to hear, but how do I do that?” all I can say is to give it a try next time when one of these ideas and beliefs are coming up for you (while masturbating).

  1. See the thought
  2. Recognize it is a thought
  3. Simply stop thinking that thought (It really is that simple!)


Step #2: Masturbating without a rule or guide on ‘how to masturbate best’

I recognized that for my well being it is not important how I masturbate. There is not a ‘best technique’ (I used to think there is one and all I have to do is to achieve it and I will be happy ever after).

There is slow sex with myself, there is having a quick orgasm and there are many other ways. The simple pleasure of doing with my body what I like in that moment (which can be very different from one day to to another)  – this is what is naturally healthy for body and mind.

Simply said, how I pleasure myself makes no difference. That I pleasure myself is what makes the difference.


Step #3: Masturbating without judgements about ‘how often I should masturbate/or not’

Before, I used to always have an idea about the ‘good’ or the ‘bad’ amount of masturbation. 5 times a day is too much, 1 time a week is too little. In my mind, I was either a sex/masturbation addict (which was wrong) or a dried out prune (which was also wrong). No matter, how often I did it, it was not right.

Now I know that there is no right or wrong about how often I masturbate. Sometimes it is more, sometimes it is less. It can be the same for weeks or months or it can vary each day. There for sure is no set and correct number and it is just natural that at times I am more horny than at others.


Step #4: Masturbating without an ultimate goal

As in the past I always masturbated with the goal of reaching an orgasm (and mostly to get rid of stress/energy) – frustration was pre-programmed. When I did not reach an orgasm I was disappointed and anxious.

Today, when I pleasure myself I do not have the orgasm in mind to begin with. I touch myself where I like and see where it takes me. There are times when the excitement increases and I continue until I peak. And there are times when after some stroking and playing I don’t have the desire to continue. I don’t masturbate to get rid of something. I masturbate because I enjoy it.


Step #5: Being with joy, peace and laughter instead of loneliness and sadness after masturbation

In these days, after I masturbate I often start giggling and I am glowing. My body feels light and my mind is empty. I am in love with myself. When there is the occasional thought creeping in after I finished such as: ‘It should have been with a man.’ – I just do not give in to it. I see it coming and I see it leaving.

I am not fighting these feelings or thoughts out right (such as STOP or GO AWAY). Nor am I trying to ignore them with not giving them attention (this is a very fine distinction and it needs your attention when you practice yourself).

In that way loneliness and sadness do not have anywhere to enter. They might appear but do not manifest themselves as I do not allow them to take over. (And, yes, I do have to strengthen this new muscle to not follow my thoughts. After all I have been doing it for more than 46 years.)

Today, when I masturbate it‘s very simple: I masturbate.

We prepared some eye opening questions for you. Answer them and a weight will start lifting. Let us send them your way.

Develop Self Love (and Strengthen Your Relationship)

‘It’s not your job to like me; it’s MINE!’ Byron Katie

Love is to be nurtured within yourself. Self love doesn’t require the presence of the other.

Once you know what love is about, you are free to love. Then love becomes a natural expression of yourself and is no longer something you are looking for or feel you are lacking.

How to Live Your True Purpose (and Go Beyond Your Doubts and Obstacles)

“All my life I have looked for a meaning. I ran once around the world, looking for it everywhere, missing the Olympic Games by 0.45 seconds. I spent 400 dollars on the suit for my first interview. I have lived on 400 dollars a month. I cleaned toilets. I cried and screamed in therapy. I made friends and I lost sight of them. I stayed in five star hotels and I put myself in a mental hospital. I fell in love many times. I had my heart broken the same amount of times. And was always on the run – looking for the answer: What am I here for?

5 Tips To Release Your Sadness (and Let Your Life Be Joyful)

Have you noticed how babies cry with ease? They don’t have any filters, images or ideas about themselves. They don’t think about what their sadness could mean. They are just expressing what is in the here and now. You see, a baby cries in the moment without thinking: ‘I will not look good when I cry.’, without analyzing: ‘Is this a good time to cry or will I upset someone?’, without judging: ‘I should …

How to Be Kind and True to Yourself (or From Compromise to Compassion)

We have learned (and finding loads of literature) about the goodness of compromise – the art of compromise. We believe that compromising will get us ahead in life. We mistake compromise for love. We think great relationships need compromise. We all grew up with this belief system. We drank it in our mother milk.
But does that mean it is true?

The 3 Most Significant Tips to Drop Your Negative Self Image

We all have it: that imaginary picture in our head of ‘Who we think we are’. Thoughts of our self image make us feel either happy or bad about ourselves. Often they circle around in our head while we add non stop commentary. In reality, thoughts pass through the mind and don’t need to mean anything about ‘who we are’. A thought just comes and goes…

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  1. Anonymous

    WOW 😮 Great article. Freaking love the part when you see You don’t masturbate to get rid of something or to climax , you do it because you like it

    • Karen Hartmann

      Thank you very much. I am happy you enjoyed the article and what you mentioned.

  2. Aaron

    It feels like for FOREVER my masturbation has been linked to avoidance or something else other than itself. In reality masturbation is simply masturbation and I enjoy it and that’s why I do it! Thank you Karen for enlightening this situation:)

  3. Stephen

    Some people lash out in anger when their own shame is exposed.

  4. Vesper V. Gamboa

    Best times I like masturbating (I’m a guy)
    Is when I’m like in a honeymoon
    When I just ejaculated
    Then a few moments, or an hour later
    I feel aroused again to passionately masturbate
    esp. when I get aroused for more than 2×
    W/in only a 24hr interval
    Just like in a honeymoon

    • Karen Hartmann

      Thank you for sharing about you.

  5. Toby Que

    I am 14 years old and i have been struggling with this issue for a very long time now. I want to thank you very much for sharing this with me!

    • Karen Hartmann

      Hi Toby, thank you! I am happy I could share this and you found it useful in your life. All the best to you!


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