How to Be Kind and True to Yourself
(or From Compromise to Compassion)
ShoomKloom Editorial Staff
I had a plan today. I wanted to see my lover. But after that initial clarity my mind started to go wild:
‘We didn’t make concrete plans … Maybe he doesn’t really want to see me … But I would really love to see him … But I don’t want to be needy or obnoxious …’
So I play it cool and wait for him to call.
It’s a beautiful Sunday and so many other things I could do.
But is that what I really want?
Compromising ourselves and what it does to us
Here are the questions we really need to ask ourselves:
- Am I compromising and why?
- Do I hold my own wishes back?
- What happens when I want to control the situation?
- What happens when I want to stick to the plan although it does not fit any longer?
‘Is it worse to be rejected or not to have tried at all?’
We compromise not just with others but foremost with ourselves. We are unkind to ourselves in order to have a false sense of feeling ok, security and control. We are betraying ourselves and what we really want in life.
Compromising or Compassionate? Check it Out for Yourself
Are you using any of these coping strategies in relationships (also with yourself)?
- Justifying or downplaying your feeling (‘It’s ok this way’ even though you do not really feel ok)?
- Avoiding what is really going on in this moment (and getting busy with all kinds of stuff)?
- Doing things in a harsh or rushed way (because you are upset it is not going as you had imagined and planned it)?
- Not taking care and looking out for yourself (by numbing yourself with any addictive behaviour including coffee, drugs, sleep, sex, TV etc.)?
- Stopping loving yourself (because what you think you really want is not happening)?
- Protecting yourself and not allowing yourself to feel the pain (very usual)?
- Pretending to be patient while your resistance is increasing by the minute (because the other is not doing it right for you)?
- Stopping to love the other (because they don’t do what you have expected)?
We mistake compromise for love.
We think great relationships need compromise. We all grew up with this belief system. We drank it in our mother milk.
But does that mean it is true?
Here is what I found out in my investigation:
In the end, with each compromise, both parties leave the table not fully happy. There is this sour after taste of having given up oneself. One’s truth, integrity and love.
Neither one party was fully true to him or herself, wishes and dreams.
This holds true also for compromising between two aspects of yourself.
This blog and ShoomKloom programs invite you to find out for yourself what compromising does to you and your life.
Read our practical tips at the end of the blog: How it is possible to be true and compassionate with yourself (and thus with others).
I have lived all my life compromsing. In every compartment: love, work, sex, money – you name it. Being busy constantly trying to find the best „deal“ with everyone, my family, my loved ones, my friends and even my enemies.
And if that wasn’t enough, I did the same with my inner voices. Trying to juggle shame and lust, depression and excitement, laughter and sadness.
I was always on the look out to keep a balance, to make all and everyone happy, to make sure there is nobody left out. As if life, nature, people and my feelings are controllable and always neatly packaged.
Boah, just writing this already makes me tired. So much work that is trying to control all and everything.
The Beauty of Surrender
The beauty about being human is that we have the capacity to surrender consciously to life and love as it is.
When we stop wanting to control the outcome – there is also no need for compromise.
Life happens on its own accord. Once we ride the waves instead of going against we will recognize the ease of it. We will see the beauty and wonder with the open eyes of a child again.
Look at the beauty of a lion – not compromising at any moment. For the lion it is a matter of life and death.
Is it different for us as human beings? Are we not dying slowly inside when we keep compromising?
We prepared some free eye opening questions for you. To give you a head start from "Compromise to Compassion".
5 Steps to Be True to Myself (or From Compromise to Compassion)
Step #1: Allowing all body sensations to arise
I allow the body sensations to be here. The nervousness, the stress, the little itch, the tension.
Even if they don’t feel good to me. Even if my system tells me that there is danger. Even if my habit is to run away or fight it.
It is important I recognize these patterns.
For that, a little alertness is needed. I can only allow something once I realize my pattern of not allowing it. I need to be aware that I am avoiding or trying to get rid of certain body sensations.
This can seem (emphasis on the word “seem”) a bit tricky as we have not been taught this before. In fact, we have learned and practiced the opposite all our lives. We have only learned to avoid or get rid of unpleasant sensations.
Once you try out this step and allow a sensation to arise without changing it, you will see for yourself.
Step #2: Scanning the body
I scan my body sensations without sticking to one of them or wanting them to be different (see step#1):
- Here is an itch (the foot).
- Here is a pain (around the area of my heart).
- Here is a tingle (my hands).
- Here is warmth (my heart).
- Here is a shiver (my neck).
This one is really cool and practical. You can do it where ever you are. At any time of the day.
Step #3: Writing down what I am experiencing
I write down all and everything that is going on with ME (and not what is wrong with the other):
- ‘I am waiting for him to call.’
- ‘I am anxious that he has not called yet.’
- ‘I am thinking about calling him but I don’t.’
- ‘I am wasting my day.’
- ‘I am actually happy right now sitting here.’
- ‘I hate him. He never does what he says he does.’
At some point (nowadays pretty soon) I see how ridiculously funny my thoughts are.
Most uf us (including me) have the tendency to get stuck with what is wrong with the other. When you see yourself doing this, simply recognize it and return to the ‘I …’.
#4. Talking Everything Out Loud
I talk out loud what is happening (see #3). I see what is happening and just put it out as it is.
Without judgment. And when there is a judgement – without judgment about having a judgment (get it?). That way I am able to break the chain of continuous mindf*ucks.
The whole point is that I do not censor.
I simply put all my thoughts out as they are. If I am struggling with being straight I would say: ‘I am struggling and don’t know how to put out things straight forward’.
Just one sentence after the other.
This might sound like hard work to you (did to me at first). But it isn’t. It is actually the opposite.
The hard work is keeping it all in and making it sound nice, proper or correct.
This is your time. Nothing needs to be like anyone else wants it.
You will see how relaxing it is to not hold back anything (30 seconds are enough to start with). Often there is an immense relief as a by product.
#5. Laughing my head off
At this point I am laughing out loud at all the madness in my head.
I see these thoughts and how they hold me back living my life. And I see that it is Me thinking them. And finally, I see that there is no need for Me to think them.
Isn’t this wonderful news?
It is up to me what I choose to think and what not. I am – after all – free.
Today my body might be trembling when I have no control over the outcome. So I am shaking. I don’t give it a name. Nor a meaning. I am just shaking.
And there are times when this shaking transforms into very pleasurable sensations. I love it. The old tension is the new orgasmic wave.