How to Heal Your Broken Heart Today
ShoomKloom Editorial Staff
When your heart is broken it can feel to you like you are dying. I remember break-ups in my life where I really thought that this is what the end would feel like. How little did I know that I could not be further away from truth.
“I have news for you: The actual breaking up or losing something or someone is not what is painful. What is painful and causing stress, burn out, depression is our constant effort to avoid any kind of pain.”
This does not make any sense, right?
Sure it doesn’t; you grew up in a world which wants you to believe in the romantic idea of love. Our whole system, business and money models are built upon this idea and the only reason it works (you being the judge of how well) is that most of us don’t look any deeper.
Nobody has ever mentioned the option of investigating this romantic base. Instead, we are so accustomed to the myth of romantic love that we believe it to be the absolute truth.
We don’t even question the romantic ideal although we may realise that it only causes suffering. Romanticised love encourages us to hold on, to keep, to save, to hide, to hoard, to be on the safe side (for later).
We are programmed to fight against the nature of life and its ups and downs, it’s natural flow of meeting, spending time alongside and separating or staying together if this called upon.
No wonder we connect a broken heart with loads of pain if the only thing we are yearning for is this romantic love, which in reality is not keepable.
Have you ever felt like your heart was breaking instantly in any of these events?
- Death of a loved one
- Job loss
- Upsetting medical news
- An accident or natural disaster
Or one of the following (please don’t feel stupid if this is what you are experiencing as you are not alone):
- You are rejected by someone you really like
- Someone is making fun of your facial hair (as a woman)
- You are saying goodbye to a loved one
- You are hearing from a friend that another friend bad mouthed you behind your back
- You are not invited to a party
- You simply feel not good enough
- Your partner is not listening to you
- You are single….again!! (or for too long!!)
- You spend Valentine’s Day or Christmas alone
- Your partner is flirting with your best friend
- Someone else is getting the promotion
- You are told you are old, ugly or too fat
- You are being laughed at or ridiculed
And did it feel like there was nothing you could do about it? Did you feel helpless, powerless, a victim of circumstances? If your answer is yes, you are just like me. And most everyone of the human race.
What is a Broken Heart?
Much has been written about the science of a broken heart (syndrome) Wonderful information which is definitely worth reading, yet it all leaves out another part of the picture.
“If you are dumped and you do not want to feel anything and just get rid of your pain – you will suffer. You will be exhausted, overly sad and re-live old break ups up to the point where you really believe that you are totally worthless and will never love again.”
Surely, there are emotional, mental and physical phenomena which are arising when you are experiencing times of loss (or imagined loss for that matter). You are after all human. There will be symptoms, there will be feelings and there will be bad thoughts which can cause us a high amount of anxiety and stress.
These phenomena will happen if, and only if, we are running away, avoiding and trying to escape the situation. Heart break is the topic of life. It is not just about romantic love relationships.
It is about how you live your whole life. Open and vulnerable to explore it fully- or closed and afraid of life itself or making mistakes.
How to Heal your Broken Heart Instantly
Allow whatever is real now to be here. There might be fear or pain bubbling up in a moment of saying good bye or separating for good. You can experience for yourself that in actually allowing and feeling it, there is no harm.
Do not do anything about the pain which is arising. This might sound scary but you will never know if you don’t give it a try. Let it come up as it is. What causes harm and a lot of effort are the attempts to get rid of the pain or avoid it. Try it out for one moment.
When images, thoughts and feelings from the past or the future are coming up, just see them. Do not follow along with them. This is your imaginary movie. Gently come back to this very moment and what you are experiencing now.
How do You Treat Your Heart?
Often we are treating our own hearts as if they were the enemy – especially when they are breaking. We are ignoring their cries for love, care and tenderness. Healing and peace is possible, once we start caring for our hearts (and with that, ourselves) just as we would for our best friend or a newborn.
A Real Life Story: Instant Relief When I Stop Avoiding a Broken Heart with ShoomKloom
“When I was in love and we were together, I was in heaven. Finally I was living the perfect Hollywood love story myself: He fulfilled me and made me happy. And all was looking like a happy end – but this wasn’t Hollywood.
It was real life. Nobody ever had tought me how to stay happy and in love when I was on my own, alone. The anxiety was already starting the night before we said goodbye at the train station.
There was this onset of an uncomfortable feeling around my heart and in my belly, slowly but steadily creeping in on me. It eventually took over my arms and legs and the rest of the body.
It was like I was being burned alive. At the same time I became rigid and cold.
For sure I did not want to talk to him about it. I felt ashamed for being so much in love and afraid that he might leave for good (if he just knew about all this crazy stuff going on with me). I always asked myself why everything always felt so intense and why saying good bye at the station seemed like a break up to me- the end of the relationship.
I thought something was seriously wrong with me. So I pretended to be well when he left. I showed my fake smile while my heart was breaking. I managed somehow to kiss him goodbye although all I could feel was panic. Once he was gone I was already too frozen to even cry. I did not want to feel anything.
Not the panic. Not the pain. I was desperate in those moments and already wanted to call him although he left just a minute ago. In those moments I forced myself to handle my situation by numbing myself out with some occupation. I started drinking, called my girl friend who tried to reassure me and be supportive.
But I still felt lonely and could not understand: “How can I feel so alone and heart broken when I am supposedly in love? Can this really be love? Why they tell me that this is romantic? None of this makes sense. I am just simply suffering.”
“All my adult life I have tried to protect myself from pain. As I have experienced pain as a baby and child (we all did), I started projecting this pain into the future. That means that I accumulated my expectations of future pain by playing past and painful experiences in my mind – over and over again.
When having a “dry run” of an expected painful situation in my thoughts, it is accompanied by the corresponding feelings and sensations in my body. And although the whole experience took part only in my imagination, it felt absolutely real to me. So I stored it under ‘real experience’ and ‘bad“’and ‘to be avoided at at all costs’.
The tricky and overlooked part is, that now my pain expectation is highly inflated. I have played the ‘pain movie’ (which is not the actual saying goodbye) many times and each time added another ‘experience’ to the ‘bad and not wanted’ compartment. That way it has grown into a monster.
The wall, which I originally built to protect myself from feeling pain, is also protecting me from love.
Now one might ask: “But why do you do that?”.
The answer is that I want to feel the love but not the pain. I oversee that nature does not ‘work’ that way. A wall is a wall, as simple as that. It does not protect from one thing and, at the same time, is open for another.”
My Life Now
“I am still feeling fear and pain when I am saying goodbye to a loved one at the station, especially after sharing an intense and intimate time. When I start to tense up and protect myself, I notice the onset of my anxiety in a different light- In that lies my choice.
I have the capacity to use this moment as a discovery instead of going blindly into panic. I see it as a chance to explore what is truly happening when I am allowing my thoughts and feelings on the spot.
I am able, for that moment, to not push them away or blow them up with a long lost past story.
That very moment is a true treasure: it is the moment I am meeting life with open eyes. Out of this one moment grows another and I recognize that all my thoughts and feelings are fleeting; changing their nuances constantly.
I can be grateful and strengthen my muscle to simply experience them – without an old story or a future drama connected to it.”