How to Make Sure You are Having a Great Date
ShoomKloom Editorial Staff
Tomorrow I have a date with a man I really like. So I want this date to be really good. If it is perfect … everything will be wonderful. We will date again, be a couple, get married and walk off into the sunset … or so the story goes. That has been my romantic dream all my life.
The Scientific Background to a Bad Date
Most of us have a lot of expectations when we are having a date. We want to be loved. We want to have a wonderful relationship. We are hunting for Prince charming on the horse or the mother, goddess and whore – all in one – to just name a few.
Dating gurus and blogs tell us how we should be. Do this and do that. Be a lady, a gentleman. Don’t kiss on the first date, wait for three days to call after the date. Follow the 10 rules. Then, and only then, it will be perfect.
So here are some questions I asked myself (and you are welcome to do the same):
- How is it possible for a date to really go well with all that pressure?
- Can you really enjoy yourself while you have to be careful what to do and what not?
- Is it possible to get to know someone authentically like that?
- How can you have a real relationship if all you show in the beginning is your golden wrapping paper?
- Is it not logical then, that many relationships fail once the package is opened?
Truth is that we are entering the dating market like any other market. But either we do not want to see this or we don’t admit it. It isn’t romantic. It is not like in the movies. It blows our whole world of the romantic love idea:
How on earth can love be a buy and sell?
Just have a close look at what is really happening when two people are dating. Both sides are offering something and demanding something.
It might look just like that:
Offer of the woman
The woman is offering her great looks, nice smell and good manners. She might also present herself with more male virtues such as independency – if that is what is in demand.
What she offers and shows to the man greatly depends on what she has learned about what is desirable in a woman. What she is not offering and hiding are all the traits which she does not deem to be of value or wanted.
Offer of the man
The man often gives the impression of being in control of life, having achieved something, being able to supply safety and security. In short:
Things a REAL man offers.
And, same as for the woman, he will offer what he believes to be sought after. If a woman is looking for a man with some softer qualities he will offer them. Unless he does not want to have a second date.
What Really Happens on a Date
So, when we go for this first date we are having an internal check list with us. If we know it or not. If we admit it or not.
We are ticking off the boxes.
And with that we decide very quickly if we want to meet again or not. Now, there is nothing wrong with all of this at all. If we would recognize and be honest about it.
But we prefer to romanticize dating and love. Actually we are addicted to it. And with that we are lying to ourselves and keeping our eyes closed to what is really going on.
Do you agree?
We are setting ourselves up for failure each single time we are meeting someone. Our expectations cannot be met and yet we try everything to fulfill the impossible dream.
I have dated and been in relationships on and off in my life. When I was single I told myself how great it was and how free I was – just to not feel the hurt and jealousy. When I was in a relationship I felt trapped and bored after some time.
Single or couple, most of the time (after the initial ‘Yippie!’ was over) I was missing what I did not have. The freedom to do what I want or the comfort of waking up with someone at my side.
I was never fully happy with what I had.
How the Grass Is Always Greener on the Other Side
It is a bit crazy what we are doing in our lives. We want something and when we have it we want something else.
But before that, we put all our efforts, cares, worries and energy into getting that thing, that date, that woman, that man.
We might appreciate it for a little while but no matter how long it lasts, there always comes that point when we get bored with it, him or her and we want another. I am not saying that we all act on it (often we are way too set in our ways, too comfortable or too scared).
I am suggesting for you to have a look if (somewhere) you want something else than what you are having right now.
Imagine Your Life Consequence Free – What Would You Really Do?
If there was no consequences at all and you could just fully do what you want – what would it be?
- What or whom would you really go for/date?
- Would you live in a monogamous relationship?
- Would you date only one man or woman (single or in a relationship)?
- Would you drop your family and go wild?
- Would you date your best friend’s boyfriend with whom you are in love?
- Would you date at all?
I got very very tired of this game I was playing with myself and others. Hunting and then not even wanting what I had hunted. Always being on the go for more, something new (although I must say that I did not always admit that to myself).
Bending myself to be at my best at every date. And with that just being fake. It was exhausting and no fun.
How to Really Have a Great Date
Simply one step is needed:-
Well, it’s really easy (and hard at the same time as we have not done it in our lives). To have a really great date – joyful, playful and intimate – all what is needed is for you to not follow any rules:
Now (to get ready):
- Have a look again at our Ultimate Guide for Having a Bad Date (see above).
- Have a look at your expectations (good ones or bad ones) of your date.
- Have a look at your comparison to other dates (the great ones and the disasters).
- Have a look at your ideas about how it should be and should not (feel like).
- Have a look at your attempts to make this date The One (and how much work that is).
Here is the deal:
Drop it all. At once. And see how much fun you are having in that moment. That’s it. It is really all that’s needed.
During my date today, with shyness and all, I had a wonderful time. Yes, there were some thoughts like:
He is the one …
I should say something now …
What if he does not like what I am wearing? …
Why did he take his hand away? …
But I did not entertain them – the thoughts – for much longer than a second or two. I simply stopped.
And the coolest thing is – that when I don’t follow along with all these thoughts – I enjoy the date no matter what’s happening. Because I have a great time with myself and that is where all the fun starts.